GURUJI’s COMEDY NEWS BULLETIN with GURUJI’S COMEDY VIBES

📣 Dear friends, 🤹‍♂️ 📢) 👓 🤣📰 GURUJI COMEDY BULLETIN💥

I’m your Guruji – here to serve you the hottest news with a dash of humour!

🤣🗞️ Guruji’s Comedy News Bulletin – Today’s Masala Mix! 🗞️🤣
(Freshly brewed with sarcasm, spice & sattire!)

🪪 Voter ID Saga: Tejashwi says “Unauthorized!”
Guruji: Arrey bhai… voter ID became VIP pass, but Tejashwi ji screamed, “Who gave him entry without my autograph?” 😂🖊️
Now even IDs are needing parental permission! 🧒📛

🙏 Modi & Shah meet President separately
Guruji: Looks like group study is banned now! 😆
Modiji: “I’ll explain my side.”
Shahji: “I’ll explain his side!”
Murmu Ma’am: “Can someone explain what’s really happening?” 🤯

🔫 Kulgam Encounter: Day 3 Drama!
Guruji: Netflix? No thanks, Kashmir LIVE is more thrilling. 🎬
Terrorists hiding like exam cheaters – “Sir, please no checking!” 🥷💥

🇷🇺💰 Modi vs Trump on Russian Oil
Guruji: Trump says “No oil from Russia!”
Modi replies, “Bro, it’s not hair gel, it’s survival!” 😂🛢️💇‍♂️
Trump: Pressuring India.
India: Applying pressure back like desi spa massage! 💆‍♂️💪

📈 Sensex Goes Vroom! Nifty Hits 24,600
Guruji: Share market is doing zumba today! 💃📊
Auto and Metal stocks: Chalo bhai, rocket lagao! 🚀🚗⚙️
Middle-class investors: “Should I sell kidney to enter?” 🫣🧾

💵 Dollar Getting Weak?
Guruji: Dollar is now like a retired uncle… once powerful, now sleepy. 💤🪙
More weakening ahead? Guruji suggests vitamin D and rupee strength therapy! 😂🧘‍♂️

🔥 Amit Malviya on Mamata Banerjee
Guruji: NSA for Didi? Arrey baba! She only lit a linguistic lollipop, now BJP wants her in national lockdown! 😲🗣️🚫
Politics is now language war… next: Grammar Police? 📚👮‍♀️

💻 Semiconductor Mission: India 2.0
Guruji: From “Yeh chip kya hota hai?” to “We make chip, bro!” 💾💥
India: Previously buffering, now downloading GLOBAL POWER status! 🌍📡

🚄 Bullet Train: Gujarat Full Speed Ahead
Guruji: By 2027, India’s train will run faster than groom chasing dowry! 😆💸
Meanwhile local train: “Still stuck near Andheri!” 🐢🚉

👔 ED to Quiz Bank Execs in Reliance Probe
Guruji: ED now playing KBC with bankers!
Question 1: “Aapke account mein paisa kaise aaya?” 😏💸
Lifeline? Sorry – only raidline! 🚨📋

🛢️ Trump ♥️ Pakistan for Oil
Guruji: Trump is now digging oil in Terrorist-land! 🤯
US taxpayers: “Sir, we thought this was anti-terror, not anti-sense!” 😬💣
India sipping chai, watching drama like Bigg Boss! ☕📺

🧠 Opposition Plans SIR Fightback & VP Election
Guruji: All parties unite – not for the nation, but for Vice-Power!
Guruji’s formula: SIR = Shout, Interrupt, Retreat! 🤣🗣️🏃‍♂️
Election mood ON! Democracy = Drumocracy! 🥁🇮🇳

🌊 India’s Indo-Pacific Flex!
Guruji: India showing muscles in the Indo-Pacific! 💪🌏
Chinese ships: “Abey yeh toh serious hai!” 😬⛴️
Desi strategy: Peace on top, torpedoes below! 😎🕊️⚓

🌶️ Closing Masala by Guruji:
Politics = daily reality show 🎭
Stock market = rollercoaster ride 🎢
Opposition = WhatsApp group with no admin 😂
Guruji = delivering news with mirchi + masti! 🌶️🤪

🛕 Guruji Signs Off:
“Keep your brain sharp, your chai hot, and your voter ID authorized!” ☕🧠📇
See you tomorrow, same time, same nonsense! 😁📢

💪🤣 Fitness Tips by Guruji – Laugh Your Fat Off! 🤣💪
“No six-pack, no problem – Guruji gives you SIX TIPS with full comedy-punch and tummy control!”

🧘‍♂️ 1. Morning Stretch or Snooze Fest?

Guruji says: “Even if your body refuses to get up, at least stretch your imagination! 😴➡️🧘‍♂️
Touch your toes. If you can’t, wave at them and say, ‘See you tomorrow!’ 😂👋”

🏃‍♀️ 2. Cardio? Or Car Diyo?

Guruji advises: “Don’t take your car to the tea shop 100 meters away! 🚗➡️🙅
Walk there and burn the calories you gain from the samosa! 🥟🔥”

🥦 3. Diet = Die with a ‘T’?

Guruji warns: “Salad is not punishment! 🥗
But if you dream about biryani every night, your tummy has trust issues! 😂🍗🍛”

🏋️ 4. Lift Heavy… or Just Lift Yourself from Sofa

“Start by lifting remote, then water bottle, then your butt. Progress is progress! 📺➡️🚶‍♂️
Soon you’ll lift dumbbells, and not just dumb excuses! 🏋️‍♀️💥”

🤸 5. Yoga: The Original Wi-Fi Connection

Guruji says: “Yoga connects body, mind, and all joints that stopped working in 1990! 🤕🧘‍♀️
Breathe in peace, breathe out stress… and if you fart by mistake, that’s just gas leaving the negativity! 💨😂”

🧂 6. Drink Water Like Gossip

“You gossip 8 glasses a day. Now drink water that much too! 🥤🗣️
Your body is 70% water, not 70% coffee or cola! ☕❌”

💃 Bonus Tip: Dance Like Nobody’s Judging (Even If They Are!)

“Dance is cardio for the soul…
Even if you move like a broken robot, calories don’t care! 🤖🔥🕺”

🔥 Guruji’s Fitness Mantra:

“Move your body before your body moves you to the hospital! 🏥😂”

👓 Read it. 😂 Laugh it. 🗣️ Share it.! 🌶️📺